Updated (08/10/2009)
Here are a few key points that are often overlooked by potential contributors to Dog Oil Press:
Dog Oil Press only publishes black humor. Please don't send anything that's not funny.
Please don't send attachments.
All submissions must be 981 words or less.
For more details about what we're looking for, read on.
Q: What's an FAQ?
A: Don't be a smartass.
Q: What is Dog Oil Press?
A: A web-based publication that showcases a short work of dark humor each and every Saturday - except when it doesn't.
Q: Does the World Wild Interweb really need yet another rinky-dink web-based publication?
A: What's it to you?
Q: What's with the name?
A: Not that's it's any of your beeswax, but it's taken from Oil of Dog, a short story by Ambrose Bierce.
Q: What is dark or black humor?
A: Who wants to know? Wikipedia, ultimate arbiter of everything in the human experience, calls black comedy "a sub-genre of comedy and satire in which topics and events that are usually regarded as taboo are treated in a satirical or humorous manner while retaining its seriousness." Fair enough. More of that here. For a great example of the form, check out the story mentioned above, one of a quartet by Bierce known as The Parenticide Club. Or try The Anthology of Black Humor. Or don't, if you don't want to. We can't make you.
Q: What type of submissions are you looking for?
A: Funny - first and foremost. If it's not funny, don't send it. Really. It should also be in line with the somewhat nebulous criteria for dark humor, as discussed above. Fiction, nonfiction, poetry - or whatever. 981 words or less (yes, including the title).
Q: What about naughty words and/or racy and/or offensive content?
A: Given the nature of dark humor, it's likely that it will tend toward being at least a bit offensive. If the racy/naughty junk is absolutely integral to the piece, bring it on. But it's probably not.
Q: Is this a paying publication?
A: Barely. The fee for published pieces is $10 (payable only by PayPal) for first rights, as well as the right to archive the piece at the Web site. A meager sum, indeed, but it sure beats having your eyeballs gnawed out by a wolverine.
Q: Where should I send submissions?
A: Anywhere you want. But if you'd like them to be considered for publication in Dog Oil Press, they must be sent as plain text in the body of an email (no attachments) to submit [at] dogoilpress.com.
Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: Don't start with me.
I'm very disappointed that you skirted the question about the meaning of life. It's quite a cop-out on your part. I don't know how you sleep at night. I might suspect you don't know the meaning of life. However, I am too astute to fall for that. I think you know it well, but are hogging it to yourself and depriving the rest of the world. This is not actually an accusation, just a theory. I think I can state with some authority that you didn't share your crayons as a child. Maybe I already know the meaning of life; maybe I am an expert on the subject. Maybe if you had answered the question, I would have spotted any errors right away in your conclusions. Maybe it's lack of confidence that motivated you. Maybe you are afraid your meaning of life is inaccurate and fraught with contextual inconsistencies, and that someone like me would point that out, much to your embarrassment. However, it so happens I am not an expert on the subject, so you would have been safe to divulge the secret. I would not have critiqued you. What kind of monster do you take me for? Don't you know I am brimming with compassion and tolerance? Ah, it saddens me to realize you don't know me as well as you should. And after all the minutes I have spent writing this response, too! You break my heart. Still, I admire you and hold you in high regard. In fact, I intend to tell no one of this awkward exchange between us. Let's just mend the fences and agree that you have a right to withhold the meaning of life. But, let's further stipulate that it is selfish. I will forgive you and you can forgive me for questioning you, and our lives can go on as normal. In fact, I think now that we have cleared the air, we will both feel more comfortable and find the deep inner peace we have sought for so long within our relationship. I do like your answer to where to send submissions. Now THAT was clever. You big lug! I just love ya!
Posted by: Gina | 08/17/2010 at 04:01 PM
Either that or Harte would die from drinking to many Bierce.
Posted by: Hal Kempka | 12/29/2009 at 05:57 PM
I can answer the last question easily.
42.
Problem solved.
Posted by: Aidan Watson-Morris | 11/06/2009 at 06:31 PM
Your Amazon recommendation (at right) is "How To Talk to Girls." LOLOLOL! Please tell me that was intentional!
Posted by: Kendra | 01/09/2009 at 11:14 PM
Unless he "Bierced" Harte first.
Posted by: Kirsten Anderson | 01/09/2009 at 11:14 PM
"If Ambrose Bierce and Bret Harte were going to fight, who do you think would win?"
It's obvious - Bierce would die of a "Harte attack!"
Posted by: Jim Hartley | 01/07/2009 at 06:11 PM
If Ambrose Bierce and Bret Harte were going to fight, who do you think would win?
Posted by: Skippy | 01/05/2009 at 01:12 PM