Police/Fire Log
by M. Patel
5555 Sagging Ass Street: Four antique gumballs valued at $1,117 were stolen some time between Monday night and early Tuesday morning.
4321 Lurching Drunken Fat Man Blvd: Vandals used a catapult to fling several frozen dog carcasses
through a window at Lippy Zippity Daycare early Saturday morning. Damage was estimated at $715.11.
15 Millard Fillmore’s Goiter Avenue: The parking lot was removed from the Launderific Laundromat
sometime between 1:00 and 4:30 a.m. Thursday.
3210 Ziminy Zim Zing Street: An employee at Binchmeyer Rendering reported hearing a strange
whooshing sound at 6:26 a.m. Saturday. She discovered that her vehicle, a 1982 Buick Regal, had been
turned inside out and covered with a thin membrane that resembled a placenta.
112204013.9 Sneezy J. Winkler Jr. Parkway: A safe containing sand, a man's diamond and cheese
wedding ring, assorted duck decoys, a clay wig and a broken sacroiliac was taken from a house
sometime between 10:30 a.m. and 10:31 a.m. Thursday.
an elderly Romanian woman from an apartment building at precisely 11:14:36 p.m. Monday.
0 N. Moldering Pig Bladder Avenue: A toothpick, a midge, a dwarf named Jerry, a fork, a framed grain
of sand, Bugs Bunny tarot cards and a sneeze were stolen from 194 Hour Fitness between 1:30 p.m.
yesterday and 1:55 a.m. tomorrow.
1000.12 block of Zzzzzoooozah Way: An orange peel was taken from a home late Monday night.
361163361163 Hip To Be Square: The right rear leg of a 17-year-old camel was damaged while it was
parked at Bib Wibbly’s Pizzararium at about 9 p.m. Thursday.
8675309 Frut Blvd: A 24-ounce can of ferret juice was taken from The Wiggly Stop Market at 9:18 p.m.
next Saturday.
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