The 15 Outlandish Superstitions That Form the Substance of the Pre-Game Ritual of Robert Edward Crosby of the Oakland Athletics, Involving the Mascot Known as Stomper
by Fortunato Salazar
1. Robert Edward Crosby distills fifteen or twenty drops of molten lead into the mouth of Stomper and burns the gums of Stomper with aqua fortis.
2. He ties Stomper to a stepladder, the limbs of Stomper being attached in a peculiar manner. A cord is tied to the ladder, he pulls the cord, the ladder falls. Sometimes Stomper breaks one limb, sometimes another.
3. Stomper is held standing before a machine which six times a minute shoots a small feathered dart into his body, each time into a different place; the machine does not stop until Stomper is entirely feathered.
4. Whereas once he was content to slap Stomper’s face, now he carries matters further: he pours molten lead into Stomper’s ear while he is asleep.
5. He slips a noose around Stomper’s throat and hangs him. Stomper’s feet rest upon a stool, a cord is tied to one leg of the stool; Robert Edward Crosby sits in front of his locker, watching. When he has finished his pre-game ritual, he pulls the cord, Stomper hangs, he leaves, a bat boy enters and cuts Stomper down. A leech lets some blood from one of Stomper’s veins and he returns to life.
7. Robert Edward Crosby forces Stomper to swallow a drug which unhinges his imagination and causes him to see horrible things in the clubhouse. He fancies that the clubhouse is being flooded, sees the water rise, climbs upon a chair, but still the water mounts, reaches him, and Robert Edward Crosby tells him that he has no alternative but to leap in and swim; he plunges, but falls upon the carpeted floor and injures himself badly.
8. With all sorts of attendant ceremonies, Stomper enters a dark room. He sees no one there, but overhears a conversation regarding him, which is of a nature to frighten him nearly to death.
9. Robert Edward Crosby makes Stomper sit in an armchair balanced on springs; Stomper’s weight releases a number of springs connected to iron rings which bind him tightly to the chair. Certain levers and gears advance twenty daggers until their points graze Stomper’s costume. Robert Edward Crosby does his pre-game stretching exercises while explaining that the least movement of the chair will cause Stomper to be stabbed. His exercises bring his feet very close to the chair.
10. He embroiders letters and words upon Stomper’s costume, working with a needle which has a poisoned tip; Stomper’s skin becomes infected, and he suffers excruciatingly.
11. While Robert Edward Crosby eats his pre-game meal he has Stomper kneel on sharp pebbles. Above Stomper are two tilted candles whence hot tallow spills upon his bare back. If Stomper makes the slightest movement he is packed off without receiving his wages for that day's game.
12. Robert Edward Crosby obliges Stomper to remain the four days before a game in a very narrow iron cage, wherein he can neither sit nor lie down; he feeds Stomper through the bars.
13. He forces Stomper to swallow a medicine intended for horses, it causes him horrible gripes and colics, he watches Stomper suffer and dash urgently to the clubhouse for the duration of the ensuing game.
14. Stomper is bound hand and foot to the wall. Facing him, and also attached to the wall, is a blade of steel adjusted to the height of his belly. Robert Edward Crosby jabs at Stomper with the handle of a bat. If Stomper strives to avoid a blow, it is forward he must lunge; he lacerates himself. If he wishes to avoid the blade, he must fling himself backward toward the lash.
15. Robert Edward Crosby places a candle at a certain height. Attached to the middle finger of Stomper’s right hand is a piece of bread soaked in wax and set afire; if Stomper does not make haste, he’ll be burned. Stomper's task is, with this bit of ignited bread, to light another candle set high upon the shelf; he is obliged to leap in order to reach it; Robert Edward Crosby lashes him with all his strength to encourage him to leap higher and to light the candle more quickly. If he succeeds, there’s an end to the pre-game ritual. If not, Stomper is flogged until he falls unconscious, then revived, and the leaping continues until he does succeed and the ritual is concluded.
Fortunato Salazar lives in Los Angeles. He once had a perfect game going into the 5th inning, at which point his groove was totally thrown off by the Recreation and Parks Department, who decided that the top of the 5th was a perfect time to interrupt the game and mow the field.
Interesting how, out of context, this reads a little like genre horror...that's what I thought it was until I recognized the outlandish superstitions as borrowed nearly verbatim from de Sade's _120 Days of Sodom_.
Posted by: Sondra Silva | 12/05/2009 at 01:17 PM