Calipash Stew and Other Chelonian Delights
by Bruce Boston
Number 43 in a series of 112 recipes, two grapefruit spoons, and 17 prayer shawls suitable for framing, presented by the good Colonel F.R.Y. (Francis Rutherford Yesirreee!)
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I encountered this ancient ceremonial dish, made from sea turtle, while traveling in lower Yucatan. The Indian fishermen of Aquayatanga prepare it in huge stone pots over wooden fires on the beach. Because I went to the trouble to be there at the right time and compromise their chief cook with two bottles of mescal, you can now enjoy calipash stew in your own home. Why don't you appreciate me more?
2. Place turtle upon its back. If it tries to right itself, return to Step One and collect your wits.
3. Remove head and save.
4. Cut turtle into halves, halves again. Continue doing this until your scissors get dull.
5. Place cut turtle in pot containing three gallons chicken stock base, five pounds diced carrots, twelve potatoes with eighty-three eyes, thyme, parley, garlic, oregano, rosemary, mildred, the twins, Aunt Bethel, and two bay leaves (preferably from a bay with a southern inlet).
6. Simmer slowly until the stench goes away and the mixture has taken on the consistency of paste.
7. By this time, pieces of shell will have separated and floated to the top. They can easily be removed with an aquarium net and used as candy dishes or ashtrays.
8. Serve piping hot, poured over buns and garnished with tulip petals. Feeds up to 47, depending on how many refuse to eat.
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The head, which was saved in Step Three, should be dried in a moderate oven until it begins to grin. With little or no imagination, it can be used as a door stop, nutcracker, paperweight, change purse (if you are willing to sew the neck shut) or...check out the Colonel's special offer!
Send $34.95 and dried turtle head to COLONEL F.R.Y., Box 69, Grand Central Station, New York, NY 10003, and we will custom fit it with one Genuine Adonis Electric Vibrator. This is no toy, but the real thing. Vibrator action penetrates deep to soothe and relax where it really counts! Supplies are limited, so don't delay! Send your check or money order today to COLONEL F.R.Y.
Bruce Boston is a three-time-winner of the Bram Stoker Award, most recently for The Nightmare Collection (Dark Regions, 2008). For more information, visit his website.
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