Babies Are Sweet
by Chris Dean
Decapitating a child was difficult for a woman like me, a mother, the first few times. And chopping an infant's head off may technically be easier than a boy or girl of eight or nine, but I swear I'll just never get used to it. I think it's the gurgling. You really cannot tell if that last gurgle is simply blood and pulpy flesh oozing through their throat hole or if it was a happy baby noise that they were trying to make just before you killed them. I find it disconcerting. I suppose it's my maternal instinct kicking in.
Baby flesh is the sweetest though, I won't deny that. And very easy to prepare. I think half the pots in my kitchen are big enough to hold a chubby baby. You boil a baby carcass for fifteen minutes and the pink strips of succulent meat are just popping up off the bones. And the best way I've found to cook any kind of child is to boil then bake. Boiling makes the corpse tender and then you baste it in the oven until the skin is brown and crispy. Oh and make sure you save the broth. You can toss in some of the leftover entrails and have a rich delicious soup the next day.
The reason you have to cut their heads off, by the way, is because there's some sort of disease you can get from eating people's brains. When I first started eating children I thought that was some silly rumor but I looked it up and by golly it's the God's honest truth. Don't throw the heads away though. The skulls can be used in all sorts of inventive ways, from wind chimes to flower pots. I have a friend who also makes dandy Halloween decorations from the skeletons. When she gets done you absolutely cannot tell the difference between hers and the store bought.
Before you get the idea that I'm some sort of monster that goes around snatching kids out of malls I should set the story straight. I pay good money for the children I eat. And I almost always buy them from legitimate concerns. Day care centers and little league teams mainly. And I had a nice thing going with one of the teachers at the public elementary school but he kept raising his prices. A lot of the kids he sold me were stringy too. I hate cooking a child so skinny that I have to scrape the meat off the bones just to get enough for a good sandwich. After awhile I just stopped going to him.
Another great place to buy children is at the carnival. They're usually in a hurry to sell and you can get some great deals. When the carnival comes to town I normally stock up with enough children to last several weeks. I like my meat fresh so I have a special room down in the basement where I keep them. Sound proofed of course. It's not a huge space but I know for a fact if I stack them I can squeeze more than thirty kids in there.
I'm sure that by now you're getting hungry and you want to go out and pick up a baby for dinner so I won't hold you up much longer. But there are just a couple of quick things I'd like to mention before we finish. The first is my special recipe for blue eye pie. Now, I want to warn you that at first it may seem a little odd. It's an acquired taste I suppose. But once you see your pie staring back at you a few times I guarantee that you'll never eat another dessert.
The second thing I need to tell you is a bit embarrassing. I know you're going to think I'm some sort of nitwit, but last summer I had no kids in the house except for my six year old Suzy and I'm sure you can guess what happened. Never eat your own child. Oh, Suzy was fine and all; in fact she was some of the best barbeque ribs I have ever made, but it was really a difficult time for me after she was gone. I had to redecorate Suzy's old bedroom and those busybodies from the school and social services were bothering me for months. And the police? They just would not leave me alone. I couldn't relax in front of the TV with a leg of cold boy without one of those pests ringing the doorbell. Take it from me, you eat your own kid you are just asking for trouble.
Chris Dean is an American that fishes commercially.
The reason you have to cut their heads off, by the way, is because there's some sort of disease you can get from eating people's brains. When I first started eating children I thought that was some silly rumor but I looked it up and by golly it's the God's honest truth. Don't throw the heads away though. The skulls can be used in all sorts of inventive ways, from wind chimes to flower pots. I have a friend who also makes dandy Halloween decorations from the skeletons. When she gets done you absolutely cannot tell the difference between hers and the store bought.
Before you get the idea that I'm some sort of monster that goes around snatching kids out of malls I should set the story straight. I pay good money for the children I eat. And I almost always buy them from legitimate concerns. Day care centers and little league teams mainly. And I had a nice thing going with one of the teachers at the public elementary school but he kept raising his prices. A lot of the kids he sold me were stringy too. I hate cooking a child so skinny that I have to scrape the meat off the bones just to get enough for a good sandwich. After awhile I just stopped going to him.
Another great place to buy children is at the carnival. They're usually in a hurry to sell and you can get some great deals. When the carnival comes to town I normally stock up with enough children to last several weeks. I like my meat fresh so I have a special room down in the basement where I keep them. Sound proofed of course. It's not a huge space but I know for a fact if I stack them I can squeeze more than thirty kids in there.
I'm sure that by now you're getting hungry and you want to go out and pick up a baby for dinner so I won't hold you up much longer. But there are just a couple of quick things I'd like to mention before we finish. The first is my special recipe for blue eye pie. Now, I want to warn you that at first it may seem a little odd. It's an acquired taste I suppose. But once you see your pie staring back at you a few times I guarantee that you'll never eat another dessert.
The second thing I need to tell you is a bit embarrassing. I know you're going to think I'm some sort of nitwit, but last summer I had no kids in the house except for my six year old Suzy and I'm sure you can guess what happened. Never eat your own child. Oh, Suzy was fine and all; in fact she was some of the best barbeque ribs I have ever made, but it was really a difficult time for me after she was gone. I had to redecorate Suzy's old bedroom and those busybodies from the school and social services were bothering me for months. And the police? They just would not leave me alone. I couldn't relax in front of the TV with a leg of cold boy without one of those pests ringing the doorbell. Take it from me, you eat your own kid you are just asking for trouble.
Chris Dean is an American that fishes commercially.
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