http://www.dogoilpress.com/ Showcasing a new work of dark humor every Saturday. en-US Sun, 26 Sep 2010 13:48:51 -0700 http://www.typepad.com/ http://www.rssboard.org/rss-specification http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/09/dop-65-babies-are-sweet.html http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/09/dop-65-babies-are-sweet.html Babies Are Sweet by Chris Dean Decapitating a child was difficult for a woman like me, a mother, the first few times. And chopping an infant's head off may technically be easier than a boy or girl of eight or nine, but I swear I'll just never get used to it. I think it's the gurgling. You really cannot tell if that last gurgle is simply blood and pulpy flesh oozing through their throat hole or if it was a happy baby noise that they were trying to make just before you killed them. I find it disconcerting. I suppose... DOP Weekly Installments Bill Sun, 26 Sep 2010 13:48:51 -0700 http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/08/dop-64-fruit.html http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/08/dop-64-fruit.html Fruit by Tom Robson Granddad’s favourite fruit is the raisin. Oh, how he loves raisins. He’s also a big fan of grapes, green or red, and he loves every type of nut. He sort of gets on with plums and tangerines, but he gets on better with blackberries, blueberries, raspberries and strawberries. He likes all types of berry. His least favourite fruit is the pineapple, closely followed by the coconut and the pumpkin. He doesn’t really like apples or oranges either. Granddad’s favourite fruit aren’t based on taste, but upon how many he can fit up his arse. Tom Robson... Bill Sun, 15 Aug 2010 09:53:34 -0700 http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/07/dop-63-in-this-circular-world.html http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/07/dop-63-in-this-circular-world.html In this Circular World by Alex Stout So I was at this fare, and this one guy with spiked hair, asked me if I would dare, and I said I didn’t care, and said so with much flair, as one who would juggle a pear, walking past a sign in front of a lair, that says “Trespassers Beware,” which doesn’t really seem fair, because why should I have to worry and not some guy who is not seen as a trespasser, which some people might say is discrimination, but I suppose that the art of security and protection really is... DOP Weekly Installments Bill Sat, 24 Jul 2010 23:41:01 -0700 http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/07/dop-62-freshly-severed-heads.html http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/07/dop-62-freshly-severed-heads.html Freshly Severed Heads by Christopher Hivner “If it hadn’t been trash day I never would have seen them and if their eyes hadn’t been open they wouldn’t have been able to accuse me. I didn’t do it, I pled with them, I don’t even know you. The one that was upside down glared at me, the left side of her face slowly sinking into a discarded piece of cheese pizza. Is it wrong that the slice still made my mouth water? It was from Rico’s after all. Why are you mad at me, I shout? I didn’t throw away a... DOP Weekly Installments Bill Sat, 10 Jul 2010 23:05:19 -0700 http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/06/dop-61-lobbying-the-chacmool.html http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/06/dop-61-lobbying-the-chacmool.html Lobbying the Chac-Mool By Joe Greco Every morning the Chac-Mool’s jagged shadow inched across Alyssa’s bedroom shade. She'd learned about him last year in seventh grade World Cultures class. Lucky for her. Otherwise she might have dismissed him, stupidly, as the plant hanging outside her window. But, educated, she'd immediately recognized the Mayan rain god, come north to Modesto. Alyssa’s problem was that no one believed in the old gods anymore. They wouldn’t listen to her explain what an opportunity had presented itself. The name “Chac-Mool” would barely leave her lips when her parents, neighbors, friends would screw up their... DOP Weekly Installments Bill Sat, 26 Jun 2010 11:21:22 -0700 http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/06/dop-60-the-riddle-of-the-sphinx.html http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/06/dop-60-the-riddle-of-the-sphinx.html The Riddle Of The Sphinx by P. Francis Booth Herb stood by the tour bus, wilting in the heat. “Here.” Rae handed him a brochure. “All about the riddle of the Sphinx.” Herb took a look. After all, he was pretty handy with crossword puzzles and whatnot. After a half hour he’d gotten it, just as the planets reached an alignment unseen for four thousand years. Herb blurted out the answer. There was a loud grinding and a deep rumbling roar. A massive shadow fell over Herb and his party. It was the last thing they saw as it roused... DOP Weekly Installments Bill Sat, 19 Jun 2010 03:00:00 -0700 http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/06/dop-59-a-snack-in-the-dark.html http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/06/dop-59-a-snack-in-the-dark.html A Snack in the Dark by Lukey Martin In the hard dark of the day’s first hour I collected the instruments of sandwich around me and assembled them according to their nature. Finally I cried, “It’s a Sandwich,” and it was. I placed the sandwich in the toaster oven, set it to high and retired to my bedroom (and my space heater) to more pleasantly occupy the minutes. The kitchen that night was the very fist of winter. After a short while I returned to the kitchen to retrieve the food. The glass door of the toaster was opaque with... DOP Weekly Installments Bill Sat, 05 Jun 2010 03:00:00 -0700 http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/05/monthly-hiatus-dennis-hopper-in-blue-velvet.html http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/05/monthly-hiatus-dennis-hopper-in-blue-velvet.html It's our end of the month hiatus again. We'll be back next Saturday with another installment of all-new, rootin' tootin' black humor. In the meantime, RIP to Dennis Hopper, who will probably be remembered more for Easy Rider, Apocalypse Now and Speed than for his touching portrayal of Frank Booth in Blue Velvet (see below), a film sure to warm the hearts of kids of all ages. Interludes Bill Mon, 31 May 2010 21:34:33 -0700 http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/05/dop-58-an-evening-at-the-circus.html http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/05/dop-58-an-evening-at-the-circus.html An Evening at the Circus by Elizabeth Creith "It's been a long time since we've done this, my dear," He said as he butchered a clown. "Yes," I replied, as I chopped up a mime Who was clutching the hem of my gown. "Please hand me my chicken gun, darling," he said. "Is this it?" I asked, "Here on the wall?" "Thank you, sweetums," he said, as he loaded it up. I replied, as he shot, "Not at all." The clowns fell like bowling pins hither and yon. "Is that all of them, snookums?" I said. "I guess it is,... DOP Weekly Installments Bill Sat, 22 May 2010 03:00:00 -0700 http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/05/dop-57-stupid-kids.html http://www.dogoilpress.com/2010/05/dop-57-stupid-kids.html Stupid Kids by Kevin Wallis My right thumb just fell off, but at least I got the lid open. Leave it to my stupid kids to buy the cheapest coffin on the market for dear ol’ Dad. Guess I should at least be grateful for this one act of idiocy, though. Not sure I could’ve pried a top-of-the-line lid off. Stupid kids. They never gave a damn about me when I was alive, so why start after the Reaper came a-calling? I bet there won’t be a single flower over me. Hell, I’ll do a cartwheel if I have a... DOP Weekly Installments Bill Sat, 08 May 2010 23:26:59 -0700